Hi My loves! As some of you probably know by now, a couple of years ago I found myself in a terribly toxic, controlling, verbally and mentally abusive relationship. This is not a situation I, or my friends and family, ever thought that I would end up in. After I was out, they would say things like, “but you are so strong and independent, how did you let him treat you that way.” I am here to tell you that you can end up in an abusive relationship before you even realize it. No matter how “strong,” “outspoken” or “independent” you are. I am going to tell you a little about how I ended up Surviving a Toxic Relationship and The Warning Signs to Look For.
I did discuss some of this on one of my podcasts, I am linking that here if you want to give it a listen.
A few years ago I met this man, who seemed like a dream come true. He was handsome, successful, supportive and my friends loved him. He treated me like an absolute queen and I fell hard and fast, then things changed or maybe I began to see past the mask. I thought he was encouraging and engaging. He wanted to know all about me, my past, my business… things that I saw as attentive and supportive at the time.
Eventually, he stepped into a manager role for me. Working and negotiating on my behalf with brands and deals, for which he was getting 40% of my deals. FYI, a normal talent manager position gets 10%, think Kris Jenner. I involved him in everything I did, asked for his input and advice because I trusted that he had my best interest at heart. I was wrong, so very wrong and it cost me, not just financially but emotionally and mentally.
You see, he began to slip up and lose the control of his emotions. What was gentle pushing and persuading became controlling and demanding. What used to be little jokes about my clothing being too short or too tight became name-calling and 30-minute screaming lectures on how I should properly get out of the car while wearing a dress or skirt. Behavior that had started as caring and protective became insane jealousy and isolation.
He did not want me to have or be anything that he was not involved in, I was criticized constantly for not saying, doing or being exactly what he wanted me to be. Then, when he would lose his mind and act like a maniac this was also my fault and my responsibility to calm him down. He actually said this phrase to me one time, a grown-ass 34-year-old man told me, “it’s your fault that I get that far out on the ledge and you need to come out there and bring me back in” of his inability to control his rage.
You are probably thinking I sound like a complete idiot. Maybe I was, but I was also scared. Scared to lose everything I had worked for. He had threatened to ruin everything for me with brands, slander my name and hack into all my channels and delete everything if I didn’t sign a terrible contract giving him 40% and let him be my manager for 4 years. I didn’t have the money to go to court which is what he would threaten anytime I said I wanted out. He had a lot of money and worked in the tech field. So, he had connections and means.
I can remember going to Top Golf with my friends one night and someone asked me to check us in on Facebook. I started to, as I had done a million times before then I stopped. He would see it, he would get mad that I let the world know where I was. I asked one of my other friends to do it instead.
The Megan I knew was gone, I lost myself in this relationship. I was a shell of my former self, he was so ingrained in my life and my business at that point that I felt completely defeated. Sometimes, I couldn’t breathe without being afraid to piss him off. So, I started lying about things that I knew would set him off. Things like talking to male friends, I would delete messages and call logs so he wouldn’t know. While I was sleeping he would search back in my social media to years past and screenshot comments and responses with males, then wake me up to confront me about them. So, I would lie. It was easier and safer for me to lie about past relationships than to face his rage.
He had me convinced that without him — Curves, Curls and Clothes and I would fail. Even though I had built this brand myself, without him! This is how manipulative he was.
At the worst point, when I decided that I wanted out for good. I knew I was going to have to go about it in a certain way. It was time, I googled a lawyer while at my desk job and set up a call. When Shade called me, I lost it. I was shaking uncontrollably as I told her everything. That I needed out and was scared, but there was a contract and he had the passwords for everything.
So, we worked out a plan. I sent her the contract which she quickly said would never hold up in court. She told me to change all my passwords and kick him out of everything. This was going to be when he knew, I was terrified.
I called him and told him that I was done, that I had obtained a lawyer and was prepared to fight for what I had built. It was like a had pulled the pin on a grenade. He lost his mind.
I was slipping out of his grasp and he was desperate. Even though I had changed everything he was able to get back into my biggest and most important account and lock me out of it. He even had a fake email in my name that he had created so it looked like I had made the change. He held my account and threatened that if I did not draw up formal paperwork giving him 51% of Curves, Curls and Clothes that he would delete it all, he wanted the majority of MY brand, of me! CCC is me. I built it.
This is where it got scary, he started threatening to come hurt me and my family, calling me horrible names and berating me. I have all the phone calls recorded. I was devastated but finally told him just to take it. If I had to deal with him for one more minute then I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted my life back.
Then, somehow I found my fire. I was like HELL NO! I will not let this man take something I built. So, I fought back. I called everyone I knew and finally found a way back into my account. Then I waited till I knew he would be asleep and changed EVERYTHING! I made new emails, new phone numbers and I started gathering information then I waited. It wasn’t over.
As I figured, he was enraged when he woke up to find himself locked out of my life but I was prepared for that, I didn’t respond to anything. First, it was angry threats, then warnings of court and how much money it would cost me and finally when he had nothing left he got a google number that was my area code and called me. When I answered, not knowing it was him, he told me how much he loved me and wanted us to work it out.
The final words I spoke to him after years of abuse were, “You do not love me and never did, do not ever say those words to me again. My lawyer will be in touch.”
Everything else went through email and lawyers, he tried all kinds of stuff. Claiming that he had spent 10,000 dollars while managing me on flights and hotels and such. He didn’t spend a dime! I paid for everything myself. My lawyer was a complete beast and at the end of the day, he got nothing.
I walked away with my life, my brand and the knowledge of what warnings signs to look for next time. This is just a small glimpse into the abuse that I went through with him but after a lot of therapy, I am better. However, I will carry the weight of the emotional damage this relationship did to me for my entire life. I want you all to know the signs that a relationship could be toxic or dangerous.
Surviving a Toxic Relationship and The Warning Signs to Look For:
Intensity
Over the top gestures, especially ones that seem like too much, too soon. Needing your friends and family to like and approve of them, in an obsessive way.
Control
Telling you what to wear, say or do. Asking for your passwords and giving you no privacy.
Isolation
Limiting your time with your friends and family. Trying to convince you to be more dependent on them.
Anger
Outbursts of rage over small things, threats of harm. Physical violence. Punching walls, breaking or throwing things.
Criticism
Name calling, telling you that you are stupid, worthless or nothing without them.
Gas Lighting
Making you feel like everything you do is wrong. Having to apologize often about things that aren’t your fault.
Blame
Making their outbursts your responsibility or claiming they are your fault.
Jealousy
Acting irrationally about friends of the opposite sex, demanding all your time and attention. Accusing you of cheating.
Sabotage
Making you miss important events with fights or guilt. Keeping you from getting sleep, so you miss work or meetings.
Thanks for reading and all the support!
XOXO,
Megan (Curves, Curls and Clothes)